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In This Article:
- Why letting go takes more than a mental decision
- How words trigger past wounds—and how to respond differently
- The power of becoming an observer instead of a reactor
- Why nurturing your inner child is essential to emotional healing
- Steps to release hurt, reclaim peace, and move forward with compassion
Sticks and Stones: How to Let Go of Hurtful Words
by Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com
Something took place the other day that “ruffled my feathers”. As I worked with myself to let go of my aggravation and judgment on the situation (and the person), I made a conscious choice to let it go.
However, letting go is more than just a mental choice. It needs to be accompanied by a feeling of love and compassion for the other person who “wronged” us -- as well as for ourselves as we react in anger or bitterness or impatience to their action or words.
Now as most of you probably know, this is often easier said than done. We decide, mentally, to let something go, to not make a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak, yet the insidious thoughts come creeping in at other moments.
I really thought I had let it go, yet this morning I found myself thinking of it again. My Libra self felt I had been unfairly treated and felt that would justify me treating that person unjustly in some other situation. Wow! And I thought I had let it go!!! Obviously not if one of my first actions in the morning wanted to be “tit for tat” or “getting even” or more genteelly said, “balance the scales”.
I realized that I had not cleared my mental scale of the “stone” that had been thrown at me. It still squarely sat on my fairness scales. (And if you know any Libras, you know we can be slightly attached to things being “fair” and in balance.)
So What’s the Answer?
So what can we do when old wounds surface and words sting? It is natural to have a reaction to words and actions that, in our eyes, are hurtful. The young child within us feels hurt, rejected, unloved, misunderstood, etc. Yet, there is no longer a “mommy” or “daddy” to run to so they can “kiss the boo boo” and make it better. That is our job now. As an adult, we are in a position to love and nurture that inner child ourselves. We no longer have to depend on others to do it for us.
Expecting someone else to “fix it for us” is depending on others to take care of our hurts, and this can keep us stuck in the pain. And while it might be gratifying when someone says “poor you, you were mistreated”, it really does nothing to heal the situation. If anything, it entrenches us further in the “I was right, and they were wrong” attitude or perception.
The situation can only be healed from the inside… by us, not by anyone else. While the other person asking for our forgiveness can feel great, it is not a necessity in order for us to let go of the issue. Sure, it seems to help, as our ego can come out feeling victorious – as it loves to do. But then the situation will tend to repeat itself, in one way or another, until we learn to truly let go and accept that others are who they are (not who we want them to be), and that we won’t always agree or approve of their behavior.
Sticks and Stones
There is a saying that goes: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” While this is a popular saying and perhaps a good guide for life, we all know that words do hurt us, or rather I should say, we choose to be hurt by what others say. Because of course, words themselves cannot cause physical pain (unless they are encased in a heavy book or dictionary). But we do feel hurt from other people’s words… not physical hurt perhaps, but hurt nevertheless.
However, our feeling hurt is a choice… but not one that is easily recognized in the moment, or even later. At the moment that someone says something mean or inconsiderate, we feel hurt. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. The child in us, or even the adult, feels put-down, judged, etc. And unless we are 100% grounded in our self-esteem and not needing the approval of others, those words may hurt. At least at first.
As we progress on the path of self-empowerment, we learn to observe rather than react, to see the words and the other person from a perspective of compassion for their hurt. After all, why else would they be nasty other than coming from their own hurt and insecurity?
Once we can see the situation as an observer rather than a participant, we will see that we do not need to react, and we do not need to accept the energy with which the words were hurled at us… We don’t have to choose hurt. We can choose understanding and compassion and forgiveness.
We can recognize the 5 year old child in the other… the one who is hurt and thinks it is protecting itself by hurling “bad words” at you. And of course, at this stage of the game of life, we may not yet be at the observer stage all the time, or even most of the time. But it’s a good goal to have.
The Observer Simply Observes
When we are in observer mode, which is often a touch and go situation as we evolve, we see that there is no need to feel hurt. The other person’s words or actions reflected their own pain, their own hurt. Something you said or did may have reminded them, probably unconsciously, of something in their past and triggered their reaction. The words that felt like sticks and stones came from a hurtful past, a past perhaps full of feeling unloved, unaccepted, judged, ridiculed, etc.
And of course, when you examine your own behavior and response, you will see that it was the same with you – action, reaction. What you said or did was also triggered by something in your past. These old memories have nothing to do with the present… unless we make them so, unless we accept them as a “real thing” in our present.
But, in this moment, they are not real. They are only memories and pictures coming from the past… and if it is not your hurt and your past, you can choose to let it go by with compassion for the other person's hurt.
If they are your words and your old hurts, then it is good to take a closer look and examine if these old hurts are still running your life today. Are they “making you” react in ways that are hurtful to yourself and to others? Are they bringing you peace or stress? Are they creating love or anger?
Asking these questions can help us make better choices, if not at the moment of the incident, at least later, or the next morning when they come back to your awareness trying to “make” you respond with tit for tat.
Remember, we always have a choice. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we may not recognize that choice, but as we become more empowered in the ways of love and compassion for self and for others, we will recognize the choice closer and closer to the incident.
Even the Dalai Lama admits to getting angry, but says he doesn’t hang on to the anger very long. So that’s the magic formula: Feel it, learn from it, and let it go as quickly as you can!
About The Author
Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com
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Article Recap:
Marie T. Russell explores how we can stop taking hurtful words to heart by stepping into the role of observer, tending to our inner child, and choosing love over retaliation. This article offers gentle, empowering tools to break free from emotional triggers and find healing through self-awareness and compassion.
#LettingGo #EmotionalHealing #SticksAndStones #SelfEmpowerment #InnerChildHealing #MarieTRussell #CompassionOverAnger #StopTakingItPersonally #MindfulLiving
