Image by Stefan Keller.
In This Article:
- A dream encounter that initiates deep transformation
- The revealing of inner peace and divine identity through Jesus
- The challenge of integrating profound spiritual experiences
- Exploration of monastic retreat and silence
- The ongoing search for purpose, truth, and peace in daily life
The Dream Message of Jesus: "This Is Who You Really Are"
by Anna Howard, author of the book: Quest for the Enlightened Feminine.
It was a dream, but a dream that changed everything. I don’t recall anything particular happening that would trigger such a dream, but I was questioning many things at the time and had become curious about the spiritual dimension of life.
The Dream
I recall being in a small church, with just a handful of people in the congregation. The organ was playing gentle music whilst a plain-clothed priest prepared bread and wine at the altar. For no apparent reason, the music abruptly changed mid-cadence and, like a magician casting a spell, enveloped me in a dark and very sinister field of energy.
I began to feel a ground-shaking fear unlike anything I had felt before, which only intensified as the priest came towards me bearing a chalice from which I was supposed to drink. In this chalice appeared to be blood—not the healing blood of Christ but rather, a sacrificial blood, one that I felt would steal my very soul were it to pass my lips.
As he came closer I began to shake, and suddenly from the depths of my being cried out, “Save me Jesus.” I don’t know where these words came from—I was certainly no Evangelical—but they seemed totally natural when encountering the sheer, existential terror that gripped me in that moment.
The Peace That Passeth All Understanding
All of a sudden, directly in front of me, a figure with long hair wearing a beige robe appeared. He had the most compassionate, loving eyes I had ever gazed upon, and there was no doubt in my mind that this was Jesus.
As he looked at me, his eyes radiated ever more compassion and love until every cell of my body was filled and saturated. I began to experience more peace and bliss than I’d ever known; it was as if all prayers were answered at once and all sorrows and cares evaporated. As this feeling sank in, so I heard the words: “This is who you really are. This is who everyone really is.”
* * *
I woke up. Jesus was gone, and the church and the priest were gone, but the feelings of peace, deep love, and total bliss remained. So strong were these feelings I couldn’t leave the house; instead, I needed to stay still and undisturbed and allow this experience to integrate and permeate my being.
For three days, my sensitivity was heightened to a degree that felt unsustainable. The “real” world felt noisy, busy, and overwhelming to a degree that was almost torture.
Ordinary Mind Returns
Gradually the intensity of my vision abated, and my ordinary mind began to return. This was not altogether welcome. I didn’t find life easy at the best of times, and was often beset by some emotional travail or another.
The temporary respite I’d had from my own mind was a glimpse into another way of being, but, as familiar thoughts, feelings, reactions, and memories took hold again, I realized that there was no short-circuiting the work needed to truly become the person, the being, I’d been told I was—and indeed, experienced myself to be.
For a while, I lived with this double reality—half here, half not here. The meeting I’d had with Jesus didn’t fade like an ordinary dream, however. Something had happened that had changed everything forever.
As time passed, a sense of vocation seeded itself within me. The further the experience of peace and oneness receded, the deeper and greater the human longing for its return, and the growing conviction that nothing in this world could ever bring that about.
Turning to Jesus
If Jesus not only knew who I really was but was Himself the full embodiment of this magnificence and capable of transmitting this information, this knowing, then He was the one I had to turn my heart and attention towards.
I had to become like Him; to give my life to Him in some meaningful way—a way that would transform my earthly failings and sorrows, or allow me to transcend them, so that the version of myself He’d revealed to me was indeed a living truth that shone into this world with its qualities of total love, compassion, peace.
I sought answers in the Christian Church. I’d often been drawn to monasteries or convents, choosing most years to spend a week on a retreat somewhere. But if I wanted to give my entire life to this quest, where could I go? Where could I be? Where could I live?
The Convent Retreat
I decided to try living amongst nuns in a convent for a week, but it would be a week of silence and a turning within in a context that supported and encouraged that. I found a convent in Surrey and entered with trepidation and joy.
There was nothing particularly inspiring about this convent. My room was simple and the Daily Office, the Benedictine rhythm of prayer, became my structure for the day. Getting up early for Matins and Lauds was a struggle, and I slept through a few of these, but I enjoyed all the others.
As I slipped deeper into silence, I felt held by the structure of the monastic day and by the nuns and the convent itself. Silence unravels.
When we enter retreat, we often feel that “the world is too much with us”, but it’s not easy to put it down. Only by removing ourselves completely and entering a very different way of life is it possible to leave the world behind in any significant way. This is one of the main purposes and values of retreat.
I’ve often heard people dismiss the value of the more enclosed religious life, seeing it as selfish and disconnected from the suffering of the world. In my experience, it’s the opposite: By dropping out of our worldly preoccupations, we enter the inner peace that naturally includes and loves all others as part of the bigger self, and when we come back to the world, we come back with those qualities more readily expressed and available for others.
Convents, monasteries, and centres of religious or spiritual focus are not easy places to live, and most communities work hard in every respect to maintain a stable, loving environment that fosters wellbeing and spiritual nourishment for themselves and others.
Silencing the Chattering Mind
In the protected confines of the convent, silence was as natural as breathing. Time was dedicated to what is known as the Great Silence or Noble Silence, so it was easy to stop talking. What wasn’t so easy was to get beyond the chattering mind. It was so loud!
The sounds of the world mask and drown out the noise going on inside our own heads, and perhaps that’s why so many people seem to need radio or television constantly playing in the background. Our chattering minds are like tinnitus with thoughts, and when we’re not actively thinking, it can be a shock to discover just how busy the mind is of its own accord. Thoughts, feelings, judgements, memories—on and on and on they go, unchosen and out of control.
As I began to realize this, I became quite alarmed and felt increasingly trapped. There was so little space, and these thoughts were unbidden and operating without a thinker.
I knew nothing about meditation at this point, and didn’t yet have any tools to work constructively with what was being uncovered. So, instead, I found solace through distraction or redirecting my focus. I went for walks in the woods, attended the Offices, read books, and tried to talk to Jesus.
As the days passed, the chattering mind I was experiencing slowed down and quietened. The desire to speak receded, and I lost interest in any kind of conversation with fellow retreatants beyond necessities.
But there was no sense of isolation or disconnection, and I didn’t mind the presence of others; there was a sense of meeting and togetherness in the shared space. But there was no grasping, no effort, no social niceties, no concerns about what others might think, no needs of any kind.
What a relief! My job as a broadcaster meant a lot of talking. A lot of words, of engagement with people that required intense questioning, and heaven forbid there was ever any silence; “dead air” was the broadcaster’s nightmare. Yet here I was, discovering how much life was being restored in the acres and hours of “dead air” within and around me.
Occasionally, a word or a sentence would float into my mind, and I would look at it. Was this useful? Did it need to be spoken? Was it worth interrupting the silence, emerging from this golden cocoon, to make ripples on the surface of the water with a few words? So often, it wasn’t, and the words would float away like spectres into the dark.
Ongoing Retreat?
As my week drew to a close, I had settled into the rhythm of monastic life and silence so comfortably I didn’t want it to end. I never wanted to speak again. I could have lived in retreat like this forever.
However, I realized that there was a significant difference between being on retreat, left to my own devices and without responsibility, and being a member of the community, where responsibilities abounded and vows kept everyone and everything in order. It was not possible to stay more than a short period in retreat, lest enthusiasts like me get tempted perhaps to book in for a life of idle escapism.
Fulfilled and content as I was in the convent, I realized that exchanging my worldly life with all its pitfalls and challenges for the life of a nun was probably “too soon”. I was in my twenties and, despite the freedom I’d felt during my week, a lifelong commitment felt like an early grave, and I knew I couldn’t do it.
Back Into the World
I had discovered a way to connect deeply with the experience of my dream, with the love of Jesus, and I admired the nuns who’d stepped into this life, for better or worse. I was like them in some respects, but oh so different in others.
Those differences were sending me back into the world, to search elsewhere for a place to live out my vocation. I was hugely grateful for this week in the convent, and sad to leave. I left in an in-between state, neither fully in the world nor completely out of it.
However, I just felt confused. I returned to my job and my home, and life carried on without any major interruptions or change externally. I thought things might settle, but they didn’t.
Like low grumblings of thunder in the background, I couldn’t get away from what I had been shown and told in my dream, and I knew that there had been many people throughout history who had found themselves on a quest for Truth, for that “peace which passeth all understanding”. I wasn’t going to be let off that hook.
Copyright ©2024. All Rights Reserved.
Adapted with permission from the publisher,
Findhorn Press, an imprint of Inner Traditions Intl.
Article Source:
BOOK: Quest for the Enlightened Feminine
Quest for the Enlightened Feminine: Faith, Tara, and the Path of Compassion
by Anna Howard.
Can traditional spiritual practices bring about radical change for a happier existence in modern life? Touching the deep core of human longing, Quest for the Enlightened Feminine is a story of faith, courage, and determination. Illustrating a path to freedom and happiness,
Anna Howard shows how the divine feminine can awaken our enlightened potential. Interwoven with Tibetan Buddhist teachings and methods, including practices with Green Tara and White Tara, Tonglen meditation, and exercises for working with the 21 Taras, this book reveals how to put these sacred teachings into practice in your own life.
Click here for more info and/or to order this paperback book. Also available as a Kindle edition.
About the Author
Anna Howard, M.A. (Oxon), is an Oxford-educated student of Buddhism, whose work focuses on the healing and transformative energies of Tara. A workshop facilitator, teacher, healer, and writer, Anna lives in Dorset, England.
Article Recap:
This powerful narrative recounts a life-altering dream that connected the author with Jesus and awakened her to her true divine nature. The experience inspired a path of inner exploration, spiritual retreat, and the quest to integrate higher peace and purpose into everyday life.
#SpiritualAwakening #TransformativeDream #InnerPeace #JesusVision #TrueSelf #PersonalGrowth #SilenceAndStillness #MonasticLife #QuestForTruth #Enlightenment #LifeWith Jesus #JesusDream
